[[alternative]]Alternative Conception: A Self-Narrative of Individuation and Infertility

[[abstract]]本論文係研究者在中年歷經不孕與流產而造成的生命斷裂及自我認同的迷失當中，以「自我敘說」為研究方法，闡述自己不孕與療程、懷孕與流產的各階段心路歷程。研究者也梳理自身不孕失落的種種形式、悲傷及調適，並探索自己因此失落開啟整合自身的個體化歷程。透過敘說與反思，研究者回顧原生家庭的創傷經驗，面對過去生命中對情緒的逃避與壓抑，進而更坦誠地接受了自己的脆弱並與過去的情緒和解。研究者也在哀悼的孤寂當中陪伴自己、接納自己的情緒，與自己的不孕和解，並學習到如何對自我與他人慈悲。也因著對自身夢境的詮釋與榮格個體化理論的指引，研究者反思內在陽性面向的完美主義對自己的壓迫，學習將陰性面向的包容與撫育的特質用在自己身上，讓理智與情感可以一同合作，內在也就能平靜、更有力量，引領自己成為一個可堅強、可脆弱，更加自由以及完整的人。[[abstract]]This thesis is a qualitative analysis using “self-narrative” methodology. The subject of this self-narrative is the researcher’s own experience of trauma and loss of identity caused by mid-life infertility and miscarriage. By telling her story of infertility, treatment, pregnancy and miscarriage she begins to understand the loss and grief created by her infertility. She also explores how this loss began her own process of individuation. Through self-narration and self-reflection, she revisits her early life experiences and examines her patterns of emotional avoidance and suppression. Thus, she begins to accept her own fragility and reconciles with her emotional past. Through her experience of grief and loneliness, she learns to recognize her own needs and embrace her emotions, makes peace with her infertility and discovers how to be compassionate to herself and to others.Applying a Jungian-esque interpretation of her own dreams and guided by Jung’s theory of individuation, she discovers how to begin to balance her unconscious masculine (animus) and unconscious feminine (anima). Thus, she allows her rational mind and emotions to function together, and begins to embrace her own vulnerability and strength