[[alternative]]The Courage to Love Myself: A Self-narrative Study of the Self-identity Transformation Process of a Bipolar Disorder Patient

[[abstract]] 本研究旨探討研究者在罹患躁鬱症後在復原歷程中自我認同的轉化歷程，透過自我敘說回溯與探討研究者在罹患躁鬱症前早年成長生命經驗與早年依附關係對自我認同的影響，並如何在復原療癒歷程中從自我覺察、整理與反思，透過認知與行為的改變，進而對自我的認識產生新的正向觀點和自我認同轉化。研究者透過書寫自己生命故事為研究文本，並採用阿米亞利˙布里奇等人提出的敘事研究方法，以「整體─內容」分析法進行文本分析。透過本研究故事文本的分析發現，研究者的生命歷程可分為六個主要主題，分別為：細說生命成長的藍圖、尋找愛與認同的道路、與憂鬱同行的日子、與躁鬱症的相遇、母女關係的修復對自我認同的正向轉變和踏上自我認同的蛻變之路。並從本研究故事的文本脈絡與歸納研究結論發現，早年與父母不安全的依附關係和負向的評價，會影響個人在成長歷程中的負向自我價值觀和自我認同，同時也會影響人際關係與親密關係。而自我認同與依附關係會隨著個人在不同人生階段、環境和人事物的接觸互動中所建立的正向經驗，重新調適與轉化個人早期不安全依附關係和負向自我認同的影響，進而看見自己的能力與自信，同時照顧自我內心感受和需求，走向自我認同轉化的歷程，賦予生命新的詮釋與意義。 國內與躁鬱症相關的自我敘說研究絕大多都係從研究者本身與躁鬱症患者之間的互動和關係對本身人際關係、自我認同和日常生活的影響以及關係修復有關進行研究，並建議未來能從躁鬱症患者本身的生命經驗、性別角色和復原歷程等觀點切入進行研究。[[abstract]] The purpose of this study is to explore the transformation process of self-identity in the recovery process of researchers after suffering from bipolar disorder. Through self-narratives, we can retrospect and explore the impact of early life experiences and early-life attachment relationships on self-identity of researchers before suffering from bipolar disorder, and how in the process of recovery and healing, from self-awareness, sorting, and reflection, through changes in cognition and behavior, new positive perspectives and self-identity transformations are generated in the understanding of self. By writing own life stories as research texts, researchers use the narrative research method proposed by Lieblich et al. to conduct text analysis with the ”whole-content” analysis method. Through the analysis of the text of this research story, it is found that the researcher's life course can be divided into six main themes, namely: detailing the blueprint for life growth, finding the path of love and identity, those days with depression, and encounter with bipolar disorder, the restoration of the mother-daughter relationship brings about the positive transformation of self-identity and embark on the transformation of self-identification. And from the textual context and inductive research conclusions of this research story, it is found that the insecure attachment relationship and negative evaluation with parents in the early years will affect the negative self-value and self-identity of the individual in the process of growth and affect the interpersonal relationship. with intimacy. The self-identity and attachment relationship will re-adjust and transform the influence of the individual's early insecure attachment relationship and negative self-identity with the positive experience established by the individual in different life stages, environments, the people, and event. One's own ability and self-confidence, while taking care of one's feelings and needs, toward the process of self-identity transformation, giving life new interpretation and meaning. Most of the domestic self-narrative studies related to bipolar disorder are based on the research on the influence of the interaction and relationship between the researchers themselves and bipolar patients on their own interpersonal relationships, self-identity and daily life, and relationship repair, and suggest that future research can be done. The research is carried out from the perspectives of bipolar patients' own life experience, gender roles and recovery process