The Shame Loop: A Method for Working with Couples

Various authors have written recently about shame (Clark, 1995; Erskine, 1994; Kaufman, 1989; McClendon & Kadis, 1994), usually with a focus on individual work. This article explores the psychology of shame and shame affect as it is felt and expressed in couple relationships. The au-thor also examines defenses against shame and introduces the notion of a "shame loop" to describe the energy flow in a couple re-lationship. The underlying script decisions perpetuated by humiliation-shame transac-tions are examined with reference to the dynamics of couple relationships, and a way of working with the shame loop is pre-sented. Although primarily designed for work with couples, this material can also be applied to the relationships between a ther-apist and client and between supervisor and supervisee. Psychology of Shame The word "shame " is defmed as the "painful emotion arising from the consciousness of something dishonouring, ridiculous or indeco-rous in one's own conduct or circumstances... [a] fear of offending against propriety or de-cency operating as a restraint on behaviour" (Onions, 1973, p. 1964). Behavior that is now felt as unbecoming and offensive may have originally been defmed as such by caretakers communicating from their script beliefs (Ers-kine & Zalcman, 1979) and expressed by them in a humiliating manner with the possible threat of loss of relationship. Sections of this article originally appeared as "Th