1 The Surprising Erotic Life of the Elderly, Disabled and Chronically Ill

In media, sexuality, sex and intimacy so often have as its subjects those who are young, strong and beautiful. They are the ones believed to be sexy, desirous, and desiring. In America we unabashedly use their image to sell products, health, success and influence. In so doing we inadvertently communicate that these are the people who are “sexiest ” and thus having sex … the “best sex”. But in my years as a clinician and qualitative researcher, I have had the privilege to hear stories of sexual passion, intimacy and celebration that have been silenced in the sexuality so often paraded in pop culture. In this paper, I will introduce you to four couples I interviewed over the last 10 years – names and identifiers have been changed. These couples have had at the center of their relationships an unwanted and uninvited visitor – progressive MS, cancer, spinal cord injury, and health complexities brought about by aging and chronic conditions. While each story primarily focuses on the specifics of one couple, I include in these stories the themes shared by other couples dealing with these particular illnesses and life states. One important variable to note is that each of these couples had in common a deep and unwavering devotion to each other and a ripened sense of the preciousness of time. Through these stories we not only learn about the effects of certain illnesses, but we also learn of the capacity of love and intimacy to penetrate significant hardship in order to touch the body and soul of their lover. Though I will focus on one theme per story, you will hear all four recurring themes in each of the stories. The four themes are: 1. Great lovemaking is more that a set of behaviors 2. Illness must be put in its place so loving touch can be sanctified – or set apar