Reconciling Irreconcilable Differences Through Forgiveness

Miscommunication is often listed as one of the top three reasons for separation and divorce and “irreconcilable differences ” in marriage. As an interpersonal communication scholar, I study how the skills of listening, creating empathy, and conflict management and resolution strategies can help troubled couples maintain relational satisfaction and longevity. While most marriage therapy is dedicated to teaching active listening skills and conflict resolution skills to marriage partners, Gottman (1994) reports that the national results of marital therapy indicate a relapse rate of 30 to 50 percent and do not benefit the majority of couples. It appears that even armed with good communication skills, many couples cannot resolve their differences. Brehm (2007), distinguishes the difference between a skill deficit and a performance deficit. For instance, a person can know how to communicate clearly but not choose to do so with a particular partner. In this case, it is a performance issue rather than a skill issue. So, even armed with good listening or conflict management skills, some couples refuse to engage in them which indicates an internal barrier. One such barrier may be the ability and/or willingness to forgive. This is an exploratory study of three couples who have married, divorced, and remarried the same partner. Participants completed a demographic questionnaire, the 60-item Enright Forgiveness Inventory (EFI) and the Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS) and answered several open ended questions about how they define marital satisfaction and forgiveness, what their motivations to forgive were, and how they navigated the forgiveness process. These initial results indicate that forgiveness is a primary factor that indicates high marital satisfaction and differentiates couples who choose to reconcile following separation or divorce and those who do not reconcile